you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
