first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
