Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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