You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
