My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
