i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
