there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
