we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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