Got a toothbrush?
im six kinds of drunk right now
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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