The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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