So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
