I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
