I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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