How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
