just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
