There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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