Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
