Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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