I faked an abortion last night.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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