im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
