No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
