billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
