I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
