tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
