So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
