Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
