Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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