someone get that fucking seahorse.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
