i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
