You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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