He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
