Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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