You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
