I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
