My entire life is one complicated drinking game
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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