My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
