On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
