please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
