i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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