My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
