Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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