...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
