Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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