I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
