I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
