i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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