yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
