Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
