My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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