I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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